My mind has been running non-stop today and among the trillions of thoughts has been a meandering wondering about my girls future. What will it be like for them and for me? Will they be able to function "normally" in society? Will they develop seizures? Will they become self injurious? Will I be able to provide everything they need in the future? I will have to live to be well over one hundred to be able to take care of them because it shatters me to think of leaving their care to someone else. Also in that thought I felt horrible for wanting to live beyond my children. I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about this but as the mother of special needs daughters I have to think this way.
Then I started thinking about when they were first diagnosed and how fearful I was of them being taken from me by the very people that were sent to help. I had this extreme fear that the therapists, doctors, etc. would find me an unsuitable parent to raise autistic children, report me to some agency for child welfare and that they would have my girls taken away from me. It took me quite a while to trust and accept that these people really wanted what was best for my girls and weren't out to prove me unfit, although I always had that feeling of "being watched" whenever some autism professional was in my home.
Some days are harder then others, not because of my girls but because I let my mind run away with me and all these dark, creeping, negative monsters start riding my train of thought. For the most part I go with the flow but every once in a while I get drowned in unanswerable questions. I know this post was random but welcome to my world.
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